Making a List? Better Check Twice.
Over the past 15-ish years, smartphones have become the gift of choice for teens and even tweens during the holiday season. Endless advertisements, peer pressure, and even the hope of more parental peace of mind, are often enough to convince parents that a smart device will be the perfect gift for their child. And tech companies often lower their prices and offer inexpensive payment plans, especially around the holidays, knowing all too well that the earlier they can get kids hooked, the better their chances of having customers for life.
Have you ever heard a parent say that they wished they’d started their kids down the smartphone road a little sooner? I certainly have not. Nope, not even once. I have, however, heard many parents lament about how they wish they hadn’t handed over smartphones to their children as early as they did.
Many of us, myself included, felt like it was inevitable that our kids were going to get smartphones. We’ve been fed the narrative that in giving them these devices at a young age, we’re also giving them a headstart in learning to navigate them. I’ve come to recognize this as a sales tactic and a false promise, at best. Our children’s brains need abundant time and space to develop, during adolescence in particular, and handing over these distraction devices to our kids will actually stunt this crucial period of growth.
The longer we can delay giving our kids smartphones, the better their chances of gaining critical skills, exploring a variety of hobbies and passions, and developing their brains to their utmost potential. I think most parents would agree that standing in the way of this progress would be the last thing that they would want to do. And so I ask that before you gift your child a smartphone this holiday season, please first consider four of the natural consequences of doing so:
That brand-new, sparkly and shiny phone will soon become the center of your child’s universe. The virtual world inside their device will gradually become the most important thing to them - more important than their family, more important than their real-life friends, more important than school, and in many instances, even more important than sleep. And of course, this is not their fault, and it’s not a matter of them developing better self-control. There are persuasive design engineers on the other end of their screens, doing everything that they possibly can to keep them engaged at all costs. Check out this recent PSA from Spain demonstrates the potentially quick downward spiral, both mentally and physically, when giving a child a smartphone.
Your child’s interests, hobbies, and passions will quickly take a back seat to the frictionless device in their hands. Jonathan Haidt, author of Anxious Generation, refers to smartphones as “experience blockers.” Because of the hyperstimulation that occurs when engaging with a smartphone, your child will soon find that other activities seem dull in comparison. The normal cadence of the real world, with its ebbs and flows, and its ups and downs, will start to feel mundane and pointless. Activities such as taking a walk, building a puzzle, reading a book, having a conversation, eating dinner with the family, or heaven forbid, doing chores or learning a difficult concept at school, simply cannot compete with the heavy dopamine hits that they receive when engaging with their phones. Pretty soon, everything else will seem boring, and it will be increasingly difficult to pull them away from their virtual world.
Parental influence, as well as that of other adult mentors, will diminish: Although this may be subtle at first, it will happen. Of course, cutting the apron strings is a normal, natural, and necessary part of adolescence, as teens prepare to go off on their own in the world. But technology has hastened this process, to the point where kids are losing their footing from severing parental ties too quickly and too soon. Rather than seeking guidance from trusted adults who have more life experience, perspective, and wisdom, they are searching for answers in the online world, mostly from virtual strangers such as social media influencers, online gamers, and other celebrities, who often become their go-to authorities on matters of education, politics, religion, relationships, romantic love, and sex.
Gabor Mate, MD, and Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. sum this up in their book, Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers: “For the first time, young people are turning for instruction, modeling and guidance not to mothers, fathers, and teachers, but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role - their own peers. Children are being brought up by immature persons who cannot possibly guide them to maturity. They are being brought up by each other.”
Conflicts with your child will increase: Arguments and disagreements about appropriate amounts of screen time will inevitably become the norm, as your child becomes more and more attached to, and dependent upon, their phone. If you believe that putting limits on a child’s phone is the answer, be prepared to sink a lot of hours into figuring out the best ways to do this, followed by a significant amount of time trying to then monitor their devices. And FYI, tech companies will not make this easy to do, as they want your kids’ eyeballs on their devices for as many hours of each day as possible.
Many parents who have gifted their kids’ smartphones are now regretting this decision and are looking for ways to course-correct. If this is your situation, I would invite you to use your G.R.I.T. and follow these steps in swapping out smartphones for simple ones. And if you haven’t yet gifted a phone to your kids, consider taking an upstream approach when it comes to their use of digital technology. Rather than giving in to societal norms (and most likely to your kids nagging), why not hit the pause button and give them some more time to enjoy their childhood in the physical world. And while you’re at it, take a minute to consider the absurdity of giving kids access to so much inappropriate adult content, as illustrated in another recent PSA from Smartphone Free Childhood US. As I mentioned before, never have I heard a parent express regret for the fact that they waited too long to give their kid a smartphone. On the other hand, I’ve heard hundreds lament their decision to give them one too early. Our kids only get one chance at childhood, and we as parents only have one shot at guiding them through it - let’s give them the opportunity to experience it IRL, rather than on a device.