It’s Not Too Late to Give our Kids F.R.E.E.D.O.M. from Phones!
Disclaimer: In this post, I’ll be referring to some experiences with my twin daughters, who are currently 18 years old. I’ve learned over the years, as a mom of twins, that one of the most annoying things about being a twin is when people lump them together, rather than treating them as distinct individuals. That said, for simplicity’s sake, and to respect their privacy as much as possible, I intentionally refer to them as a collective throughout most of this post.
Can we change our minds about giving our kid a phone?
Have you ever heard a parent say that they wished they’d started their kids down the tech road a little sooner? That they were feeling like their kids were behind in learning digital skills, and that they were afraid they just wouldn’t be able to keep up in this digitally-drenched world? I certainly have not. Nope, not even once. I have, however, heard many parents lament about how they wish they hadn’t handed over smartphones to their children as early as they did.
Many of us, myself included, felt like it was inevitable that our kids were going to get smartphones. We’ve also been fed the narrative that in giving them these devices at a young age, we can give them a headstart in learning to navigate them. In recent years, I’ve come to realize that this is a false hope. Our children’s brains still have lots of developing to do, during adolescence in particular, and handing over smartphones too early can actually stunt this crucial period of growth. The longer we can delay giving them smartphones, the better their chances of gaining critical skills, exploring a variety of hobbies and passions, and developing their brains to their utmost potential. I think most parents would agree that standing in the way of this progress would be the last thing that we’d want to do.
As a parent who has worked towards limiting technology in our home over the past six or seven years, I would like to share some of our experiences, in the hopes of helping other families in navigating these unfamiliar and challenging waters. But before I begin, let’s first consider the following:
What Happens When a Child Gets a Smartphone?
That brand-new, sparkly and shiny phone will soon become the center of the child’s universe. The virtual world inside their device will gradually become the most important thing to them - more important than their family, more important than their real-life friends, more important than school, and in many instances, even more important than sleep. And of course, this is not their fault, and it’s not a matter of them developing better self-control. There are persuasive design engineers on the other end of their screen, doing everything that they possibly can to keep them engaged at all costs.
The child’s interests, hobbies, and passions will quickly take a back seat to the frictionless device in their hands. Most parents will surely agree with Jonathan Haidt, author of Anxious Generation, and his assessment of smartphones as “experience blockers.” Because of the hyperstimulation that occurs when engaging with a smartphone, your child will soon find that other activities begin to seem dull in comparison. The normal cadence of the real world, with its ebbs and flows, and ups and downs, will start to feel mundane and pointless. Activities such as taking a walk, building a puzzle, reading a book, having a conversation, eating dinner with the family, or heaven forbid, doing chores or learning a difficult concept at school, simply cannot compete with the heavy dopamine hits that they will receive from engaging with their phone. Pretty soon, everything else will seem boring, and it will be increasingly difficult to pull them away from their virtual world.
The influence of parents and other adult mentors on the child will diminish: Although this may be subtle at first, it will happen. Of course, cutting the apron strings is a normal, natural, and necessary part of adolescence, as teens prepare to go off on their own in the world. But technology has hastened this process, to the point that kids are losing their footing from severing parental ties too quickly and too soon. They will begin to seek out and trust the wisdom and guidance of those in the online world, people such as social media influencers and other virtual strangers, who will soon become their authorities on matters of education, politics, religion, relationships, romantic love, and sex. Gabor Mate, MD, and Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. sum this up precisely in their book, Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers: “For the first time, young people are turning for instruction, modeling and guidance not to mothers, fathers, and teachers, but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role - their own peers. Children are being brought up by immature persons who cannot possibly guide them to maturity. They are being brought up by each other.”
Conflicts between the child and parents will increase: Arguments and disagreements about appropriate amounts of screen time will inevitably become the norm, as the child becomes more and more attached to, and dependent upon, their phone. If you believe that putting limits on a child’s phone is the answer, be prepared to spend a lot of time figuring out the best ways to get it all configured correctly, as well as a lot of time then monitoring their device. (Hint: Tech companies will not make this easy to do, as they want your kids’ eyes on their devices for as many hours of each day as possible).
Many Parents are Looking for a Way to Course-Correct
If you’ve already given your child a device, and you can relate to any or all of the aforementioned negative consequences of handing over a smartphone to your kid, join the unfortunate club. There are many thousands, perhaps even millions, of parents around the globe who are feeling similarly. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not too late to reverse course, and though downgrading your child’s phone will not be easy, and will most likely require some advanced parenting skills, it is possible, and even more importantly, it is definitely worth the effort.
Let’s start by acknowledging that none of us are perfect parents, which means that it’s okay for us to tell our kids that we’ve made a mistake and we need to course-correct. This is actually great modeling for our children, as it can teach them that they don’t ever have to feel like they are stuck in any given situation, and that everything is truly figureoutable.
My twin girls, who recently turned 18, had had smartphones in their hands since about the age of 12, and over the years, I could see more and more clearly how their phones had become the experience blockers that Dr. Haidt called them out to be. They were lacking in a number of important skills that I knew would be necessary for them to gain as they ventured closer towards adulthood. I also desperately wanted to give my girls the opportunity to experience at least a small part of their teenage years without having the extra weight (both physically and emotionally) of a phone constantly dangling from their hands. I figured that it could very well be the last time in their lives that they would have this chance, and so in February 2024, my somewhat reluctant husband and I took a parenting leap that felt petrifying yet also brave - we replaced their iPhones with Pinwheel phones that had no distracting games or apps, no social media, not even an internet browser.
We knew this was going to be a bumpy transitional period, and I tried to be as prepared as possible. During the first couple of weeks without their smartphones, I tried to spend as much extra time with them as I could, taking them out, doing activities that they enjoyed, trying to fill the time that would have normally been spent on their phones, with healthier options. I knew that their overstimulated nervous systems would need time to adjust to this slower pace, without their endlessly entertaining digital companions. I wanted to be there to offer as much off-screen entertainment as possible, while they went through this period of withdrawal.
Taking an addictive device from a teenager is no laughing matter, and needs to be preceded by careful consideration and planning. Having a plan in place is crucial, and having the support and assistance from loved ones during this time can also be extremely helpful. Teens need to be closely monitored, especially over the first few days, as it will take time for their nervous systems to adjust to a lot less dopamine coming their way. Some will go through typical withdrawal symptoms, such as extreme irritability, restlessness, and cravings for the device. Tragically, there have been instances where kids have attempted suicide after smartphones were taken away, and others still who have succeeded in these attempts. This is a sobering reality that causes many parents to decide that it’s not worth the risk.
While I understand these frightening concerns, and spent lots of time grappling with these risks, I actually came to the conclusion that it’s all the more reason to separate children from these devices that have such an unnatural and frightening hold on them. I believe that it truly is worth the risk, so that we can give our kids the best gift possible in today’s tech-saturated world: the chance to return to a play-based childhood.
Switching out our girls’ phones has turned out to be a major win for our family. It hasn’t been easy or ideal, and there are still almost daily challenges because of this decision, but I would take these challenges any day over ones we’ve had in previous years, while they still had their smartphones. Let me now share some of the positive changes that I’ve noticed over the past year, which most certainly have been at least partially due to downgrading their devices.
F.R.E.E.D.O.M. from Phones
F.ocus & Attention Span
Cal Newport, author of the bestsellers Digital Minimalism, Deep Work, & Slow Productivity, said this: “The ability to focus is becoming the scarcest commodity of the 21st century.” Training our minds to concentrate on one thing for any length of time is a skill that requires repeated practice. It is not easy, but like our physical muscles, our mental ones also require us to put in rep after rep, in order to strengthen them. Have you ever tried reading a book, only to find yourself reading the same sentence over and over again, not digesting a word? I know I certainly have, and yet over time, I’ve learned that this is a natural occurrence, and is not a signal to give up. Rather, I need to keep at it so that eventually, I’ll be rewarded with the experience of getting lost in a good book.
For many adolescents, however, when they feel this struggle with trying to focus or concentrate, on a book or anything else, they have a much easier alternative, a frictionless device in which it takes almost zero effort to become completely immersed. As a child continues to make this easier choice, time after time, their growing belief that they are terrible at reading can soon morph into a disdain for it altogether, and the habit of turning to their phone when anything is difficult or uncomfortable, gets hard-wired into their brain.
TikTok became famous for their super short, super engaging videos, often not more than 15 seconds long. Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube have all followed suit with their own versions of these brief snippets of entertainment that scroll on endlessly. This method of sharing information is literally teaching our brains (and especially our kids’ brains, as they continue to develop), that they only need to pay attention for very short periods of time. And so it’s becoming increasingly difficult for many of us, kids and adults alike, to focus in a way that promotes true learning.
When I think of this in regards to my girls, I’ve noticed that their ability to focus and pay attention has definitely improved over the past year. Since switching to simple phones, they don’t have the option of endlessly scrolling anymore, and their phones are relatively boring by design. Because of this, they have been forced to look outside their screens for sources of entertainment, and I’ve noticed their steady improvement in being able to tolerate, and even thrive, as they learn to focus on tasks that require more sustained attention.
As an example, they both started studying Japanese on DuoLingo, once all of the other exciting apps were no longer on their phones. We chose to allow them to have this app on their Pinwheel phones, although I was skeptical at first of how much they would actually learn. I also am not a fan of apps that offer a “streaks” feature, to keep users coming back, but I was actually pleasantly surprised with their progress over the months of consistent study. They were becoming amazingly skilled at writing many of the characters, and their conversation skills were improving as well.
I ended up deciding to seek out a Japanese tutor to help them get to the next level with their skills, and long story short, my twins, along with my oldest daughter, who had also been learning on DuoLingo, have all been enjoying weekly Japanese lessons over zoom for the last five or six months. And as a bonus, they have all gained a new friend in the young man who has become their tutor. Had my girls still had smartphones in hand, I don’t think they would have had the focus, time or attention to put towards this developing skill, nor do I believe they would have had the interest or motivation.
R.egulation (of the emotional variety)
You may have noticed that many children, and even teenagers, are having a harder time managing their emotions in recent years, and it makes perfect sense, given the amount of time spent engaged in hyper-stimulating content each day. Please don’t let anyone try and persuade you that going on a screen is relaxing or a good way to decompress. It may appear to temporarily soothe children and adults who might be trying to relax or calm themselves. But it’s like putting a band-aid on a growing wound, and it’s not a long-term solution for anyone who is having a hard time managing their emotions. Rather, it’s a temporary distraction that is preventing people from confronting their true feelings and learning how to deal with them in a healthy way.
Our girls struggled extensively with emotional dysregulation from a very young age, which continued to escalate and became even more pronounced with the onset of puberty. At the time, I didn’t understand or even make the connection between the excessive hours that they were spending on screens, and the severity of their dysregulation. I now understand that their sensitive nervous systems were being hyperstimulated on the daily, which resulted in overly-excessive temper tantrums and meltdowns. The littlest things would set them off, and it was as if they were almost always on the edge of explosions that did not seem to correlate with the often trivial, precipitating causes of their angst.
As I came to learn how excessive screen time can negatively affect emotional regulation, I began to make a concerted effort to limit our girls’ screen use, and it’s definitely made a positive impact on their ability to stay regulated. When faced with challenges, disappointment, and everyday life annoyances, they are becoming more skilled at remaining calm while working through difficult situations. This is still a work in progress for them (like it is for all humans), but it’s given me great hope to be able to see their progress and how far they’ve come.
E.xploring Hobbies & Passions
Because smartphones are so convenient and easy to use, and require little to no thought or motivation to pick up, they have become the go-to activity for many teenagers today. It doesn’t take long for this act of picking up phones to become a habit, and pretty soon it’s just muscle memory that is leading children and adults alike to grab them hundreds of times each day. And having these dopamine devices constantly on-hand makes it progressively more difficult to drum up the motivation to try new things, which is an especially crucial building block for the adolescent brain.
Dr. John Hutton, pediatrician and clinical researcher, said this: “There’s a really great quote in brain science: ‘Neurons that fire together wire together.’ That means the more you practice anything the more it reinforces and organizes the connections in your brain.” In essence, the brain will focus on the activities that are being done most frequently, and over time, a phenomenon called “synaptic pruning” occurs, where neural synapses that are being used infrequently, or not at all, will be pruned away. The brain needs to eliminate many neural connections over time, in order to continue to operate efficiently. So we want to make sure that our kids are doing a variety of healthy activities that will strengthen these neural connections, as it will help them develop skills and interests that will serve them throughout the course of their lives.
Because of the hyper-engaging, hyper-stimulating algorithms that are found on all the social media outlets, we need to be very intentional about enticing them with activities in real life. Erin Loechner, former social media influencer and author of The Opt-Out Family, said: “Be more engaging than the algorithm.” Erin advises that one way we can do this is by strategically placing activities around the house that will hopefully spark some curiosity with our kids.
A couple of years ago, I started asking my girls to build puzzles with me. Sometimes, I could snag their attention, and other times not so much, but over the months, I remained consistent in encouraging them and even enticing them with puzzles that emphasized their interests and hobbies. Our love for building puzzles together grew and these days, it’s not unusual for us to have multiple puzzles going at once; we will sometimes end up completing two or three in a week. One day, we had three puzzle boxes sitting on our kitchen table, and one of my girls spontaneously dumped all three puzzles out in a ginormous pile, mixed them all up, and it became quite the fun challenge to sort them all out and then build them together. We play music while we work on puzzles, we chat and laugh and sometimes just work in silence together too. It’s been a great connecting activity for us, and it’s also helped to build my girls’ confidence, as they’ve gotten amazingly skilled at them. And while yes, it’s frustrating that we have to try so hard as parents to compete with the hyperstimulation on screens, for me, it has been worth every moment of effort. Someday, I hope that my girls will recognize and even appreciate the time that I devote in trying to get and keep their attention, and to keep them close and present within the walls of our home as much as possible.
E njoying the “in-between moments”
One of the things that is the most disheartening to me about phones being ever-present and ever-available for most humans, is what we are missing out on as we turn to our phones for entertainment and comfort throughout our daily routines. There are countless “in-between” moments in our lives, that over a lifetime, add up to a lot. These might look like moments of transition between one activity and the next. Moments like walking or driving from point A to point B. Moments of waiting in line or waiting for a ride after school or waiting for a friend to call or come over or waiting for dinner or just plain waiting for something fun or exciting or interesting to happen. Waiting… Waiting… Many of us have lost the ability to just wait. We have lost the ability to tolerate these in-between moments of just “being.”
It appears that even many adults today feel out of touch with the simple practice of being with their own thoughts in these moments, and I dare say that for many kids, it’s a completely unfamiliar and even foreign feeling. And so it feels uncomfortable, even intolerable at times, if we don’t have our phones right there to entertain us, to pacify us, to get us through the minutes that seem to be dragging, until the next thing comes along to entertain us.
My girls’ separation from their smartphones over the past year has definitely increased their ability to appreciate and even enjoy these in-between moments of life. And I’m so grateful for this shift, because though they may not seem like much when looked at on an individual level, as a whole these moments truly add up to a lot of life. My girls have grown accustomed to this shift in pace because their nervous systems have relaxed, and they are no longer constantly wired and looking for something super-stimulating to entertain them. They are developing the skill of just being in the moment, of being able to casually chat with their beloved grandmother in her bedroom, of watching their kitties do silly acrobatics, of staring out a car window and finding shapes in the clouds, and of bantering back and forth with their older siblings about a myriad of topics. They are learning to become comfortable and content with the natural, slower-paced rhythms of life.
D.oing hard or uncomfortable things, aka “Life begins at the edge of our comfort zone.”
When we attempt things that are new and perhaps difficult or even scary, we are exercising some crucial mental muscles. We are demonstrating to ourselves that we can tackle hard things, and that we can survive. As we repeat this process, these muscles become stronger, and over time, what was once petrifying can become less so, and eventually, will start to feel like a normal part of being a human. On the contrary, when we spend a lot of hours participating in meaningless, mind-numbing activities on our devices, our brains become more and more comfortable taking the easy way out, which in turn makes it increasingly overwhelming and daunting to try something new.
I have seen much growth in my girls in this regard, as I’ve watched their perseverance and confidence take shape. They both work at a local “dirty soda” shop in our community that not only sells all kinds of delicious beverages, but also mouth-watering cookies (care for some sugar with your sugar?) They began working there about a year apart from each other, so they both had to individually go through the growing pains of a new job. And both of them were on the verge of quitting on a number of occasions over their first few months on the job. They struggled with feelings of inadequacy, awkwardness and discomfort, as they learned how to make the drinks and cookies, use the cash register, and most importantly, interact with customers and coworkers.
I tried my darndest to validate their concerns during these uncertain times, while also gently encouraging them to stick it out. And miracle of miracles, they both persisted, showing up for their shifts day after day, week after week, month after month, and these days, they pretty much run the place! They now have a reputation amongst their co-workers and boss as hard workers, and they take pride in a job well done.
The confidence that they’ve gained at their jobs has spilled over into other areas of their lives as well. They are also doing better in school and are venturing out socially more often. Doing uncomfortable things on the regular has helped to train their previously fragile nervous systems to tolerate the uncertainty and awkwardness of trying new things, to the extent that occasional feelings of discomfort have become the norm, and they don’t feel so intolerable anymore.
O.bservation, Noticing, Curiosity
The simple act of observing and noticing the world around us has become a thing of the past for many in today’s fast-paced and even frenetic world. If you’ve spent any significant time with kids and teens these days, you’ve probably noticed that many are not typically super observant of the world around them. As one example, spending time in the car used to be a time for kids to chill out, to look outside the car window, to chat with family and friends, and it was also a time for noticing landmarks that would later help them as they learned to drive themselves. Today, many teens are so absorbed on their phones while in the car, that they barely register what is going on around them. Because of this, they are missing out on many opportunities to work on skills such as having casual conversations, becoming comfortable thinking their own thoughts, and even developing an awareness of their surroundings, a skill that is critical for teenagers as they start to figure out the world around them from behind the wheel of a car.
I’ve been so pleased to watch my daughters as they have engaged in many small moments over the past year, moments that I believe would have passed them by, had their smartphones still been available to keep their attention hostage. We recently bought a new washing machine, and it was the top load variety, as opposed to our previous side loader. One day, shortly after we bought it, I caught one of my girls staring down into it, face pressed up against the transparent lid, simply mesmerized by the rhythm of the clothes swirling around in the water. She allowed herself to become captivated by a process that might typically be considered mundane, and I was tickled that she just let herself do what felt natural to her, and became completely immersed in that seemingly insignificant moment.
M.ore time spent IRL (in real life)
I think that most of us can relate to Sherry Turkle, American sociologist, MIT professor, and author, when she said that we live in a world where we are “forever elsewhere.”
For a number of years, I noticed my girls wanting to spend more and more time in their bedrooms (can any other parents out there relate to this?). This was hard in a lot of ways. It was disheartening to feel like they were separating themselves from us, often on screens that were not making them feel any better, only worse. But as we worked to shift our family culture around screens, and continued to put limits on screen time for our girls (like charging phones at a family charging station at night, and not allowing laptops in bedrooms), they slowly began to emerge from their isolative spaces more often.
These days, our girls participate much more readily and frequently with the rest of their adult siblings in our typical family activities: Sunday dinners, movies out together, card games and other board games, and the possibilities continue to expand. I’ve tried to look for opportunities in real life that might be of interest to them. For instance, one of my girls has been crazy about birds for a number of years now (she currently owns two cockatiels). When I saw that there was a bird-watching class being offered at a local university night school, I asked if she’d like to sign up. She was excited but nervous and asked if I’d join her in the class, and I was happy to participate. Now, we are both obsessed with bird-watching, and it has become a common interest that has also provided an avenue of connection for us.
My Hope for Our Children
As greater awareness continues to build around the negative impact of smartphones, my hope is that we will have the power and momentum to shift the cultural norms in regards to these dopamine devices, and what role they should be playing in our kids’ lives. And that more and more people will recognize smartphones for what they often become: experience blockers that prevent our kids from doing typical kid things. And that it will become less and less unusual for people to encounter a teenager who doesn’t have a smartphone in their hand or pocket at all times. And most of all, that it will become socially acceptable once again for kids to not even own a smartphone. There are those who act as though this is a ludicrous and even impossible idea, when in actuality, up until about 15 years ago, this was how it was for every child on our planet.
For parents of young children, my advice to you is hopefully obvious: Delay! Delay! Delay! The longer you can hold off on introducing these enticing devices, the less you will have to fight for your kids’ attention. This will lead to an easier time of teaching skills and building relationships.
We have the power to take collective action here and do our kids a favor by switching out their phone-based childhoods for a much better alternative: play-based ones. And though they might not thank us now, they most certainly will later.
As for my girls, the struggles that come along with adulting are just beginning. There are so many unknowns for them, and yet, I do breathe just a little easier, knowing that they are certainly better-equipped than they were a year ago, for the challenges that lie ahead.